February 29th, 2012, sitting in the ER exam room with my three year old and his grandma, waiting for lab work to come back. I didn't have a clue what was wrong with my son. Why he had been lethargic for weeks, complaining of his legs hurting, wanting to do nothing but lay in bed, spiking fevers off and on. I finally took him to the ER after doctor visits gave no answers. The night before taking him to the ER I spent time google-ing his symptoms, which I had done over and over for the last few weeks. This time, the first result I got was leukemia. It never occurred to me this could be anything other than growing pains, at the worst arthritis or an infection of some kind. When I saw that word pop up in the search results, my heart sank and I had this horrible feeling that this was the answer...
After some questionable lab results in the ER, we were transferred to the main children's hospital, and admitted. He had an IV put in and we settled in. The next day, March 1st, 2012, they scheduled an MRI and bone marrow biopsy, the biopsy was sprung on us as he was getting prepped for the MRI because something had shown up on one of the lab tests that needed clarifying... Needless to say, 20 minutes or so after he is wheeled back to his room after the procedure, my mom and I were taken into a conference room and told that they confirmed their fears, he had leukemia. Once again, I feel like I am watching a nightmare that can't be my life. The doctors explain the next steps and try to explain the disease and the treatment plan. The next day Titus began treatment, had his port placed, and had his first lumbar puncture, the beginning of a 3.5 year treatment plan. I remember sitting in his hospital room on the oncology unit, not imagining how we would make it through 3.5 years of treatment! It seemed like a lifetime...in fact, when Titus is done with treatment, he will have been in treatment for half of his life. He has made it 20 months into treatment with about 18 months to go, and he has been the bravest little boy. My son has been poked, prodded, and sedated more times than a "normal" person will be in their lifetime, and he is five. The bravery he has shown is remarkable. He is my hero.
I've heard many things over the last 20+ months, "How do you do it?", "I can't imagine what you are going through", "I don't think I could be as strong as you are". After going through events that led up to Josh's diagnosis, and then Titus' diagnosis only 8 months later, my strength has definitely been tested, to the limit it seems.
Strength is something that isn't fully known until it is tested. You will never know how much weight you can lift without actually picking it up. Many things in life will test your strength; whether it be your physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual strength. A persons strength shows not only how much they can carry, but for how long. I can't give up, and neither can you. When we are faced with something heavy in our lives that we have no choice but to carry, it will make us stronger. I don't know what you are carrying right now, but I know you can do it.
"Fear not beloved, you are safe. Take courage and be strong." Daniel 10:19
