Continuing A Legacy

Today, May 14th, 2020, marks 18 years since my grandparents were killed in a car accident. I've thought about them a lot this week as this day drew near. How much I miss them; and how much they
shaped my life.

Edward and Mary Jane Eyring. While the truth is that they were imperfect, as we all are; they acknowledge that. They also loved the Lord fiercely. The loved their family. They loved strangers. They went on adventures. They took risks. They pushed boundaries. They raised my amazing mom. They helped to shape me.

Growing up I spent a lot of time with them. My grandmother taught me how to set the table correctly. She let me use her typewriter and introduced me to bagels. She would tickle my back, and gave good hugs. My grandfather shared with me his love of popcorn and black licorice. He gave me my first paying job at the age of 10 (+/-) in his office filing patient charts (before HIPAA). He was a surgeon, and I spent many hours wandering around his office. Watching Animaniacs and eating Chinese food in the break room, playing under the waiting room chairs, and listening to him dictate cases. I grew up in healthcare and I don't see my leaving healthcare anytime soon.

I could write all day about my memories of them. Things I got to do and see because of them. Things that they did that directly impacted who and where I am today. I just want to remember them. Their laughs. Their smiles. Because of them I got to go to the college that I wanted. Because of them I met my husband the first week there. I wish our kids could have known them.

I am so thankful to be able to continue their legacy.

Am I Enough

Do you ever wonder if you are enough? If you are doing your best? If you could be doing better?

I wonder this about myself on a daily basis. I think it is a natural thing to wonder if you are succeeding in what you set out to do. 

I want to succeed as a mother and raise happy and healthy children.

I want to succeed in my relationship and make my husband feel cared for everyday.

I want to succeed in my job.

I want to succeed in school.

There are many days where all I feel like a failure. Maybe my kids are unhappy, I didn't fix a clients issue, I hurt my husband's feelings, I didn't turn in my best work...In these times I feel very inadequate.

Then I have to remind myself of what I have accomplished.

I have raised (am in the process of raising) 3 children. They are polite, respectful, they listen, and love being with me and their dad.

I have experienced loss and not let it destroy me.

I have helped my husband through a cancer diagnosis.

I have walked my son through a cancer diagnosis.

I finished my bachelors degree and started my masters degree in the midst of it all.

I am enough. I may not be perfect, but I love deeply, work hard, and don't give up on those I love. 

I have an amazing husband who without whom I would have most definitely gone crazy by now. He helps me laugh, he reminds me that no matter what, I am loved, and he is a great provider and support  for our family.
I am enough. 

I am not perfect.
But I give it all. 

Every Good and Perfect Gift

James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

I'm sure if you are a churchgoer, or a bible reader, you have heard this verse before. Have you really thought about it though? We go through life and experience heartache, hardships, financial stress, family problems, illness, depression and we focus on it. I know I focus on it more than I should, the bad things that have happened to me and my family. Why is there so much focus on the bad and not more on the good? If every good and perfect gift is from above, that means every good thing in our lives is from above. I was reminded of this by a very special person that God has put in my life recently. God has used them to remind me that He does hear me when I call out to Him. And that the good in my life is from Him, not from anyone or anywhere else.

What good things do you have in your life? Instead of focusing on the bad, try and focus on the good. From my experience, it is more natural to focus on the bad, and it takes effort to focus on the good, but when I do, the bad isn't as bad as it first seemed.

Fear

As we grow we encounter many fears. When we are young it may be the fear of the dark, or scary dreams. When we get older it becomes the fear of making friends, or rejection. Even older still is the fear of what to do with our lives. Fear is something that surrounds us. Fear of losing those you love. This is a fear that is very real for me. Fear of what if the cancer comes back. Fear of watching my children in pain. Fear of losing my best friend and growing old alone.

I read an article/blog recently about how we hear from those around us, offering support, that God will not give us more than we can handle. According to that blogs author, this statement is completely and utterly false. The way the author worded it was how I've been thinking for a long time now. We are constantly getting more than we can handle. If we never got more than we could handle why would we need God.

I live in fear most days, however, I have my Savior to help take those fears and replace them with hope, an eternal hope. We will lose loved ones; disease will take them away from us. Bad, horrible things will happen. But, we have the eternal hope that we are never alone and that once this life on earth is done, we will live forever in heaven with our Savior. Living in constant fear is not truly living. It is hard looking past it, but totally worth it.

Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and no not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  

Then the son.

February 29th, 2012, sitting in the ER exam room with my three year old and his grandma, waiting for lab work to come back. I didn't have a clue what was wrong with my son. Why he had been lethargic for weeks, complaining of his legs hurting, wanting to do nothing but lay in bed, spiking fevers off and on. I finally took him to the ER after doctor visits gave no answers. The night before taking him to the ER I spent time google-ing his symptoms, which I had done over and over for the last few weeks. This time, the first result I got was leukemia. It never occurred to me this could be anything other than growing pains, at the worst arthritis or an infection of some kind. When I saw that word pop up in the search results, my heart sank and I had this horrible feeling that this was the answer...
After some questionable lab results in the ER, we were transferred to the main children's hospital, and admitted. He had an IV put in and we settled in. The next day, March 1st, 2012, they scheduled an MRI and bone marrow biopsy, the biopsy was sprung on us as he was getting prepped for the MRI because something had shown up on one of the lab tests that needed clarifying... Needless to say, 20 minutes or so after he is wheeled back to his room after the procedure, my mom and I were taken into a conference room and told that they confirmed their fears, he had leukemia. Once again, I feel like I am watching a nightmare that can't be my life. The doctors explain the next steps and try to explain the disease and the treatment plan. The next day Titus began treatment, had his port placed, and had his first lumbar puncture, the beginning of a 3.5 year treatment plan. I remember sitting in his hospital room on the oncology unit, not imagining how we would make it through 3.5 years of treatment! It seemed like a lifetime...in fact, when Titus is done with treatment, he will have been in treatment for half of his life. He has made it 20 months into treatment with about 18 months to go, and he has been the bravest little boy. My son has been poked, prodded, and sedated more times than a "normal" person will be in their lifetime, and he is five. The bravery he has shown is remarkable. He is my hero.

I've heard many things over the last 20+ months, "How do you do it?", "I can't imagine what you are going through", "I don't think I could be as strong as you are". After going through events that led up to Josh's diagnosis, and then Titus' diagnosis only 8 months later, my strength has definitely been tested, to the limit it seems.
Strength is something that isn't fully known until it is tested. You will never know how much weight you can lift without actually picking it up. Many things in life will test your strength; whether it be your physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual strength. A persons strength shows not only how much they can carry, but for how long. I can't give up, and neither can you. When we are faced with something heavy in our lives that we have no choice but to carry, it will make us stronger. I don't know what you are carrying right now, but I know you can do it.

"Fear not beloved, you are safe. Take courage and be strong." Daniel 10:19

First the husband...

July 9th, 2011, it was almost like a dream, like I was watching a movie of what shouldn't be my life. I watched as my husband was given the news he had cancer. Not knowing what to say or do as this news was dumped on us by a careless ER doctor, I tried to stay calm for his sake. I made phone calls to share the news... Pain that we thought was kidney stones, turned into a nightmare. 12 days is how long my husband was in the hospital, in reality not bad for this kind of diagnosis. He had his kidney removed (thankfully God gave him two) and the cancer had not spread that they could tell. His recovery of course was much longer than 12 days. The surgery left him with multiple scars and took him months to recover fully from. He visits his doctor for a check up every six months now along with routine CAT scans, ultrasounds, and lab work to make sure all is well. So far he is still in the clear! And for that I thank God.

When faced with something that could have easily been so much worse, it has been very easy for me to see the beauty in this. I thank God for the extreme pain that my husband was in. The doctors told us that normally when this type of tumor makes itself known, it is too late. This type of cancer is treated best with surgery, it does not respond well to chemotherapy or other treatments. So for that, I am so thankful that it presented when and how it did.

Certain things happen for a reason, I don't believe God says "here, I think you need some cancer in your life", but He can use any situation for His glory. Having the all too real fear of losing my husband, my best friend, helped me understand his role in my life. He is my best friend, without him I would not be who I am today. That probably sounds cliche' but it is true. He helps me to be silly, to let loose and not be so uptight all the time. He loves me even after I yell at him or nag his ear off. His love is not conditional. I could live my life without him, but I sure don't want to. He is my best friend, my partner in life.

I realize that a cancer diagnosis is life altering. It can be minor, or it can be life shattering. No matter what it does physically, it makes you look at your life and shows you what truly matters. It isn't the house, car, the job, the bills; what matters are the ones that you love. Everything else can wait. Make time for those that you love.

Losing it...

Have you ever lost it? Ending up in a puddle of your own tears...I have...over and over again. It didn't always happen very often. But after awhile of being bombarded with "hard stuff" (to put it lightly) I find myself losing it more often. And over less and less serious things. My heart has been put through the shredder. With the help of time and healing from the Lord, it has mended...but not without some holes. Anxiety creeps up on me over the smallest things; finances, appliances breaking, things not going according to plan; and I find myself losing it. It is in these times I have to take a minute, take a step back, and really look at the situation. I first ask myself, do I have any control over this situation? After that, I give it ALL to God. Whether I have the power to change anything or not, I have come to realize that my worrying and anguishing over things is not going to change the outcome. Being calm, trusting that God will continue to provide what we NEED, and then doing what I have the power to do, that is all I can do. While I understand this, my first reaction is to lose it, even still...I guess that is proof that I am indeed human.

God has shown me time and time again that He will provide. And every time something else pops up; through our hard work, through others kindness, through the hands of our doctors; HE provides a way, HE provides a cure, HE provides.

This has become a favorite verse of mine...

Daniel 10:19 "Fear not beloved, you are safe. Take courage and be strong."