Have you ever lost it? Ending up in a puddle of your own tears...I have...over and over again. It didn't always happen very often. But after awhile of being bombarded with "hard stuff" (to put it lightly) I find myself losing it more often. And over less and less serious things. My heart has been put through the shredder. With the help of time and healing from the Lord, it has mended...but not without some holes. Anxiety creeps up on me over the smallest things; finances, appliances breaking, things not going according to plan; and I find myself losing it. It is in these times I have to take a minute, take a step back, and really look at the situation. I first ask myself, do I have any control over this situation? After that, I give it ALL to God. Whether I have the power to change anything or not, I have come to realize that my worrying and anguishing over things is not going to change the outcome. Being calm, trusting that God will continue to provide what we NEED, and then doing what I have the power to do, that is all I can do. While I understand this, my first reaction is to lose it, even still...I guess that is proof that I am indeed human.
God has shown me time and time again that He will provide. And every time something else pops up; through our hard work, through others kindness, through the hands of our doctors; HE provides a way, HE provides a cure, HE provides.
This has become a favorite verse of mine...
Daniel 10:19 "Fear not beloved, you are safe. Take courage and be strong."
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
A Little Bit of Heaven
...October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month...One in four women have experienced loss...
According to many, babies are one of the greatest gifts on earth...They are little pieces of heaven...They come with much preparation and hard work on the part of the mother (you fathers get a breather...for at least the first 9 months...if you're lucky). But not all of us get the joy of bringing our babies home. I have five children, but if asked I will say three. Some day's my answer of "three" makes me feel like a liar. Some mom's who have lost babies may take the time to explain that they have babies in heaven, but not me. So if asked I will say three, because it is easier. But, I am the mother of five.
Our second baby was lost very early at eight weeks along. As a mother of an almost two year old, I didn't even think that losing our baby was an option. But it happens more often than you may realize. Three years after our first loss, we lost our fourth baby at 19.5 weeks. I went into labor and delivered our precious baby boy at 19.5 weeks. Due to a placental abruption his little life was snuffed out before it even began. I got to hold him as he drifted away from us...I have never felt so hopeless, helpless, and heartbroken than when I realized we weren't going to be bringing him home.
Looking back, I am able to see glimmers of beauty. With our fourth baby we found out he was a boy a week before his birth, and the night before we lost him, he moved enough for his daddy to feel him kick. I met an angel of a nurse that was there through it all with us. I imagine she was beyond shaken by our situation, but all I saw was her strength. She took pictures for us, and gave us some sweet memories. She has been a huge blessing and source of comfort. Our family was also a source of great support while I healed and grieved and I am forever grateful for them. Experiencing these losses has brought me to a community of men and women silently grieving for babies they never met, babies they held for only moments, babies they would never see grow up... I know you are out there, you don't have to grieve alone.
I believe that every child is a gift from God, no matter how long they are in our care. I have discovered through this particular heartache that my heart is bigger than I thought, and that it is capable of healing. I will forever remember our babies lost, and am forever thankful for the time we had with them, the time spent imagining what our life would be with them in it.
I have a challenge for you. The next time you are asked how many children you have, be honest. Share your heart. Maybe you are sharing with someone who is grieving their own loss and your honesty will help them heal.
According to many, babies are one of the greatest gifts on earth...They are little pieces of heaven...They come with much preparation and hard work on the part of the mother (you fathers get a breather...for at least the first 9 months...if you're lucky). But not all of us get the joy of bringing our babies home. I have five children, but if asked I will say three. Some day's my answer of "three" makes me feel like a liar. Some mom's who have lost babies may take the time to explain that they have babies in heaven, but not me. So if asked I will say three, because it is easier. But, I am the mother of five.
Our second baby was lost very early at eight weeks along. As a mother of an almost two year old, I didn't even think that losing our baby was an option. But it happens more often than you may realize. Three years after our first loss, we lost our fourth baby at 19.5 weeks. I went into labor and delivered our precious baby boy at 19.5 weeks. Due to a placental abruption his little life was snuffed out before it even began. I got to hold him as he drifted away from us...I have never felt so hopeless, helpless, and heartbroken than when I realized we weren't going to be bringing him home.
Looking back, I am able to see glimmers of beauty. With our fourth baby we found out he was a boy a week before his birth, and the night before we lost him, he moved enough for his daddy to feel him kick. I met an angel of a nurse that was there through it all with us. I imagine she was beyond shaken by our situation, but all I saw was her strength. She took pictures for us, and gave us some sweet memories. She has been a huge blessing and source of comfort. Our family was also a source of great support while I healed and grieved and I am forever grateful for them. Experiencing these losses has brought me to a community of men and women silently grieving for babies they never met, babies they held for only moments, babies they would never see grow up... I know you are out there, you don't have to grieve alone.
I believe that every child is a gift from God, no matter how long they are in our care. I have discovered through this particular heartache that my heart is bigger than I thought, and that it is capable of healing. I will forever remember our babies lost, and am forever thankful for the time we had with them, the time spent imagining what our life would be with them in it.
I have a challenge for you. The next time you are asked how many children you have, be honest. Share your heart. Maybe you are sharing with someone who is grieving their own loss and your honesty will help them heal.
Introduction
Heartache is a fact of life in that each of us experience some in our lifetime. I have come to realize that sharing with others can be healing. However much heartache you or I experience, there is one thing that is constant, once we have come out on the other side, we are forever changed. We see the world differently, we react to certain situations, after heartache, differently than before. Hopefully we can look back and see how we have grown as individuals, how we are different, and hopefully how we have changed for the better. There will be part of us that may never fully heal, never forget what we have been through. By sharing our stories and how our heartache has changed us, maybe we can inspire others who are in the midst of their own heartache.
My personal heartache includes losing two pregnancies, one at eight weeks, the other at nineteen weeks; caring for my husband after a cancer diagnosis, and then eight months later having our three year old son also diagnosed with cancer. Throughout these personal heartaches I have encountered many individuals with similar experiences and watch as they grieve and grow. I have also encountered many who were a source of hope and encouragement to me personally that helped me find the beauty through my own heartache.
I hope to encourage you to find the beauty through your heartache.
My personal heartache includes losing two pregnancies, one at eight weeks, the other at nineteen weeks; caring for my husband after a cancer diagnosis, and then eight months later having our three year old son also diagnosed with cancer. Throughout these personal heartaches I have encountered many individuals with similar experiences and watch as they grieve and grow. I have also encountered many who were a source of hope and encouragement to me personally that helped me find the beauty through my own heartache.
I hope to encourage you to find the beauty through your heartache.
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