According to many, babies are one of the greatest gifts on earth...They are little pieces of heaven...They come with much preparation and hard work on the part of the mother (you fathers get a breather...for at least the first 9 months...if you're lucky). But not all of us get the joy of bringing our babies home. I have five children, but if asked I will say three. Some day's my answer of "three" makes me feel like a liar. Some mom's who have lost babies may take the time to explain that they have babies in heaven, but not me. So if asked I will say three, because it is easier. But, I am the mother of five.
Our second baby was lost very early at eight weeks along. As a mother of an almost two year old, I didn't even think that losing our baby was an option. But it happens more often than you may realize. Three years after our first loss, we lost our fourth baby at 19.5 weeks. I went into labor and delivered our precious baby boy at 19.5 weeks. Due to a placental abruption his little life was snuffed out before it even began. I got to hold him as he drifted away from us...I have never felt so hopeless, helpless, and heartbroken than when I realized we weren't going to be bringing him home.
Looking back, I am able to see glimmers of beauty. With our fourth baby we found out he was a boy a week before his birth, and the night before we lost him, he moved enough for his daddy to feel him kick. I met an angel of a nurse that was there through it all with us. I imagine she was beyond shaken by our situation, but all I saw was her strength. She took pictures for us, and gave us some sweet memories. She has been a huge blessing and source of comfort. Our family was also a source of great support while I healed and grieved and I am forever grateful for them. Experiencing these losses has brought me to a community of men and women silently grieving for babies they never met, babies they held for only moments, babies they would never see grow up... I know you are out there, you don't have to grieve alone.
I believe that every child is a gift from God, no matter how long they are in our care. I have discovered through this particular heartache that my heart is bigger than I thought, and that it is capable of healing. I will forever remember our babies lost, and am forever thankful for the time we had with them, the time spent imagining what our life would be with them in it.
I have a challenge for you. The next time you are asked how many children you have, be honest. Share your heart. Maybe you are sharing with someone who is grieving their own loss and your honesty will help them heal.
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