Then the son.

February 29th, 2012, sitting in the ER exam room with my three year old and his grandma, waiting for lab work to come back. I didn't have a clue what was wrong with my son. Why he had been lethargic for weeks, complaining of his legs hurting, wanting to do nothing but lay in bed, spiking fevers off and on. I finally took him to the ER after doctor visits gave no answers. The night before taking him to the ER I spent time google-ing his symptoms, which I had done over and over for the last few weeks. This time, the first result I got was leukemia. It never occurred to me this could be anything other than growing pains, at the worst arthritis or an infection of some kind. When I saw that word pop up in the search results, my heart sank and I had this horrible feeling that this was the answer...
After some questionable lab results in the ER, we were transferred to the main children's hospital, and admitted. He had an IV put in and we settled in. The next day, March 1st, 2012, they scheduled an MRI and bone marrow biopsy, the biopsy was sprung on us as he was getting prepped for the MRI because something had shown up on one of the lab tests that needed clarifying... Needless to say, 20 minutes or so after he is wheeled back to his room after the procedure, my mom and I were taken into a conference room and told that they confirmed their fears, he had leukemia. Once again, I feel like I am watching a nightmare that can't be my life. The doctors explain the next steps and try to explain the disease and the treatment plan. The next day Titus began treatment, had his port placed, and had his first lumbar puncture, the beginning of a 3.5 year treatment plan. I remember sitting in his hospital room on the oncology unit, not imagining how we would make it through 3.5 years of treatment! It seemed like a lifetime...in fact, when Titus is done with treatment, he will have been in treatment for half of his life. He has made it 20 months into treatment with about 18 months to go, and he has been the bravest little boy. My son has been poked, prodded, and sedated more times than a "normal" person will be in their lifetime, and he is five. The bravery he has shown is remarkable. He is my hero.

I've heard many things over the last 20+ months, "How do you do it?", "I can't imagine what you are going through", "I don't think I could be as strong as you are". After going through events that led up to Josh's diagnosis, and then Titus' diagnosis only 8 months later, my strength has definitely been tested, to the limit it seems.
Strength is something that isn't fully known until it is tested. You will never know how much weight you can lift without actually picking it up. Many things in life will test your strength; whether it be your physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual strength. A persons strength shows not only how much they can carry, but for how long. I can't give up, and neither can you. When we are faced with something heavy in our lives that we have no choice but to carry, it will make us stronger. I don't know what you are carrying right now, but I know you can do it.

"Fear not beloved, you are safe. Take courage and be strong." Daniel 10:19

First the husband...

July 9th, 2011, it was almost like a dream, like I was watching a movie of what shouldn't be my life. I watched as my husband was given the news he had cancer. Not knowing what to say or do as this news was dumped on us by a careless ER doctor, I tried to stay calm for his sake. I made phone calls to share the news... Pain that we thought was kidney stones, turned into a nightmare. 12 days is how long my husband was in the hospital, in reality not bad for this kind of diagnosis. He had his kidney removed (thankfully God gave him two) and the cancer had not spread that they could tell. His recovery of course was much longer than 12 days. The surgery left him with multiple scars and took him months to recover fully from. He visits his doctor for a check up every six months now along with routine CAT scans, ultrasounds, and lab work to make sure all is well. So far he is still in the clear! And for that I thank God.

When faced with something that could have easily been so much worse, it has been very easy for me to see the beauty in this. I thank God for the extreme pain that my husband was in. The doctors told us that normally when this type of tumor makes itself known, it is too late. This type of cancer is treated best with surgery, it does not respond well to chemotherapy or other treatments. So for that, I am so thankful that it presented when and how it did.

Certain things happen for a reason, I don't believe God says "here, I think you need some cancer in your life", but He can use any situation for His glory. Having the all too real fear of losing my husband, my best friend, helped me understand his role in my life. He is my best friend, without him I would not be who I am today. That probably sounds cliche' but it is true. He helps me to be silly, to let loose and not be so uptight all the time. He loves me even after I yell at him or nag his ear off. His love is not conditional. I could live my life without him, but I sure don't want to. He is my best friend, my partner in life.

I realize that a cancer diagnosis is life altering. It can be minor, or it can be life shattering. No matter what it does physically, it makes you look at your life and shows you what truly matters. It isn't the house, car, the job, the bills; what matters are the ones that you love. Everything else can wait. Make time for those that you love.

Losing it...

Have you ever lost it? Ending up in a puddle of your own tears...I have...over and over again. It didn't always happen very often. But after awhile of being bombarded with "hard stuff" (to put it lightly) I find myself losing it more often. And over less and less serious things. My heart has been put through the shredder. With the help of time and healing from the Lord, it has mended...but not without some holes. Anxiety creeps up on me over the smallest things; finances, appliances breaking, things not going according to plan; and I find myself losing it. It is in these times I have to take a minute, take a step back, and really look at the situation. I first ask myself, do I have any control over this situation? After that, I give it ALL to God. Whether I have the power to change anything or not, I have come to realize that my worrying and anguishing over things is not going to change the outcome. Being calm, trusting that God will continue to provide what we NEED, and then doing what I have the power to do, that is all I can do. While I understand this, my first reaction is to lose it, even still...I guess that is proof that I am indeed human.

God has shown me time and time again that He will provide. And every time something else pops up; through our hard work, through others kindness, through the hands of our doctors; HE provides a way, HE provides a cure, HE provides.

This has become a favorite verse of mine...

Daniel 10:19 "Fear not beloved, you are safe. Take courage and be strong."

A Little Bit of Heaven

...October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month...One in four women have experienced loss...

According to many, babies are one of the greatest gifts on earth...They are little pieces of heaven...They come with much preparation and hard work on the part of the mother (you fathers get a breather...for at least the first 9 months...if you're lucky). But not all of us get the joy of bringing our babies home. I have five children, but if asked I will say three. Some day's my answer of "three" makes me feel like a liar. Some mom's who have lost babies may take the time to explain that they have babies in heaven, but not me. So if asked I will say three, because it is easier. But, I am the mother of five.

Our second baby was lost very early at eight weeks along. As a mother of an almost two year old, I didn't even think that losing our baby was an option. But it happens more often than you may realize. Three years after our first loss, we lost our fourth baby at 19.5 weeks. I went into labor and delivered our precious baby boy at 19.5 weeks. Due to a placental abruption his little life was snuffed out before it even began. I got to hold him as he drifted away from us...I have never felt so hopeless, helpless, and heartbroken than when I realized we weren't going to be bringing him home.

Looking back, I am able to see glimmers of beauty. With our fourth baby we found out he was a boy a week before his birth, and the night before we lost him, he moved enough for his daddy to feel him kick. I met an angel of a nurse that was there through it all with us. I imagine she was beyond shaken by our situation, but all I saw was her strength. She took pictures for us, and gave us some sweet memories. She has been a huge blessing and source of comfort. Our family was also a source of great support while I healed and grieved and I am forever grateful for them. Experiencing these losses has brought me to a community of men and women silently grieving for babies they never met, babies they held for only moments, babies they would never see grow up... I know you are out there, you don't have to grieve alone.

I believe that every child is a gift from God, no matter how long they are in our care. I have discovered through this particular heartache that my heart is bigger than I thought, and that it is capable of healing. I will forever remember our babies lost, and am forever thankful for the time we had with them, the time spent imagining what our life would be with them in it.

I have a challenge for you. The next time you are asked how many children you have, be honest. Share your heart. Maybe you are sharing with someone who is grieving their own loss and your honesty will help them heal.

Introduction

Heartache is a fact of life in that each of us experience some in our lifetime. I have come to realize that sharing with others can be healing. However much heartache you or I experience, there is one thing that is constant, once we have come out on the other side, we are forever changed. We see the world differently, we react to certain situations, after heartache, differently than before. Hopefully we can look back and see how we have grown as individuals, how we are different, and hopefully how we have changed for the better. There will be part of us that may never fully heal, never forget what we have been through. By sharing our stories and how our heartache has changed us, maybe we can inspire others who are in the midst of their own heartache.

My personal heartache includes losing two pregnancies, one at eight weeks, the other at nineteen weeks; caring for my husband after a cancer diagnosis, and then eight months later having our three year old son also diagnosed with cancer. Throughout these personal heartaches I have encountered many individuals with similar experiences and watch as they grieve and grow. I have also encountered many who were a source of hope and encouragement to me personally that helped me find the beauty through my own heartache.

I hope to encourage you to find the beauty through your heartache.